Last night was one of the worst night’s sleep I have had in a very, very, long time. No matter what method I tried to help me such as; meditating, deep breathing exercises or reading, I couldn’t shut my mind off and one negative thought after another kept playing over and over in my head without reprise. When I finally did fall asleep, it was restless and filled with dread. Needless to say . . . I woke up on the wrong side of my broomstick and was a very “angry bird!” All I wanted to do was hit something or throw something against a wall. Apparently the killer stress I’ve been experiencing lately is manifesting itself by turning me into a raging insomniac!
Have you ever just wanted to scream out at the top of your lungs and say; “This is not the way my life was supposed to turn out, this is all wrong, it’s not fair, this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be, what did I do to deserve this?” Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life right now. It’s funny, I used to have so much faith that everything in my life would turn around for the better especially if I kept a positive attitude, but there are only so many times you can get knocked down, battered and dragged through the quagmire of life before you come to the realization that; “this positive attitude crap is a total load of BS and that I’d probably be better off if I performed a ritual sacrifice especially if it granted me the life I had always envisioned.”
Of course, knowing myself as I do, I could never or would never do any such thing to turn my life around so I guess I’m stuck. God is dead to me and I sincerely question if there really is such a thing as “God?” If there is, well then, he’s just a big buffoon who really needs to learn how to distribute pain and suffering evenly among everyone and stop picking on the same person all the time . . . namely me!
I sincerely never thought that at fifty four years young I would be disabled with nothing to look forward to in life. To make matters worse and rub some salt into that open wound, my wife was diagnosed with “Alzheimer’s disease” at the very young age of fifty two. She had to retire several months ago and because of the progression of this horrible disease, it is up to me to run the entire household. I am now considered her “caregiver” and let me tell you, it’s the most stressful job in the world. Gone are our plans to retire and travel and by the time I’m able to either have the chance to go anywhere or actually able to afford to go anywhere . . . I’ll be to old or dead!
Everything happened so fast. Firstly, after fracturing my neck and breaking my back, I lost the ability to do what I love, hell, I lost the ability to do anything. But yet, I fought back and at least I can walk and drive again. Luckily, I was able to walk my youngest daughter down the aisle and slow dance with her when she got married, but that was it. No dancing for me the rest of the night and for someone like me who was a dancer/performer, it hurts . . . real bad. What’s even worse, because of the accident, I gained sixty pounds . . . UGH!
Lately, even finding the time to write is a challenge as my duties as “The Original Domestic God” have become extraordinarily time consuming considering my wife’s condition. When I created this blog, I developed it as a place that I could share my experiences (funny or sad) and the experiences of others too. I also considered it a safe haven to “vent” and relieve frustration and anger. The torturous part is the guilt I feel for losing it, for losing the ability to remain positive and have a good attitude. For not being thankful for what I do have.
Thoughts of pain, suffering, regret, anger, jealousy run through my head as though I hit the re-play button as well as questions like; “Oh my God, we are flat broke, what are we going to do, how can I make extra cash?” and “how long am I going to be able to be a caregiver before snapping?” And sleep alludes me . . . I once thought I would be able to make extra money blogging, but I now realize it was just a pipe-dream. But through it all, the guilt, the regret, the self-loathing, I realized one very important detail which I forgot . . .
“I am only human, I make mistakes like everyone else, I feel pain and joy just like everyone else, I hurt like everyone else. Maybe it’s time I stopped trying to be a Super Hero, maybe it’s time I throw in the towel, maybe it’s time I remembered how to be . . . me!” Maybe I’ll get some sleep now that I’ve vented . . . I sure hope so as I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Do you have days and nights like this? How do you handle it? Maybe you have some great advice you’d like to share with us? I’d love to hear it.
Peace, Light and Love to all . . . Namaste, “The Original Domestic God”